How dating advice changed my mind (a bit)
My therapist recommended a book to me. I didn’t like it much and only properly read a bit of it.
OK, she’s my hairdresser but, they are (lousily paid) therapists too, aren’t they? Perhaps the physical intimacy of someone with their hands on your head, the trust involved in the transaction, makes us more open to these incredible people, who really have no obligation to listen to our BS, or respond how we’d like.
A few years ago, I was living my best single life. In the way you do with hairdressers, I had opened right up and told her all about my latest shenanigans with dating (don’t get me started here, this would end up being a novel).
I had stepped through a divorce and was doing a lot of business travelling, quite happily staying non-committal, although I always had it in mind I would want to have a more long-term thing if the right candidate appeared. We started to talk about how tiring it was to ‘be’ something that potential lovers want. And continue to then keep that up.
So much time and effort I spent:
searching through apps, carefully considering whether they might be weirdos or not
making informed decisions on who to connect with
Researching their background as much as possible
Crafting the opening lines
Crafting further responses
Carefully timing when to drop the killer hook to ‘meet IRL?’
And then, once I had a date in the diary, then the time drain would really begin:
assessing the location
Planning how to get there, and back, safely
Notifying my friend where I was going and when
Deciding on the outfit, and shopping if needed
Building in time for hair, make up, all ablutions
Again and again. Some dates would lead to nice friendships, some would end within twenty minutes (I’m not exaggerating), none grew to become something bigger.
One day, my hairdresser/therapist (’hairapist’?) asked ‘have you read Why Men Love Bitches?’ I had not. I didn’t like the title, but I was intrigued, because the woman so dextrously wrapping perfectly sized and painted parts of my hair in foil was super clever, thoughtful and there’s no way she’d have liked a shitty book.
She recommended ‘just read the bit about your A-Game’, and refused to tell me more, just told me to find it.
I downloaded it and later that week, sat in a hotel room bed, covered in heavy white cotton sheets, reading by the light of an awful wall lamp so far from the bed I had to get out of it to turn it off (I’ll write a rant about hotel rooms some other time).
This was not the kind of book I would have been drawn to, I didn’t care for the style of the writing but straight away, I knew what my trusty hairdresser was trying to teach me, through Sherry Argov’s words. The first few lines set a scene I was very well in tune with:
‘Everyone has known a ‘nice girl’. She is the woman who will over-compensate, giving everything to a man she barely knows, without him having to invest much in the relationship’
Flashbacks to all the time and effort I’d gone to, for dates who I had never been in the same room with. Scenes running through my head of the men I’d tried to ‘text appropriately’ and the games we had played. The effort put in for people whose intentions I could not guess or have any expectations of.
The author continues to describe this ‘nice girl’ attitude and suggests what men will respond with - that they will either think you’re ‘easy’ or ‘desperate’ and either way, lose interest quickly. Ouch! I wasn’t 100% sure on that, but I did always feel like I was putting a lot in and getting very little back out. She then goes on:
‘A Dreamgirl, on the other hand, won’t kill herself to impress anyone. This is why the woman he really falls in love with doesn’t serve a four-course meal…She’ll start out cooking him a one course meal. (Popcorn)’
I was laughing out loud by this point. Here I had been, wearing new clothes, having my hair done, planning and preparing and sweating to get the first impression absolutely right, bringing the A-Game, and here she was, opening the door to her dates wearing her sweatpants and serving them popcorn from a Tupperware bowl.
My summary of Argov’s stance is that if you start this way, and he likes you, then he will still like you in future. You don’t have to bring your A-Game, you should bring the more sustainable ‘real you’ from day one.
It’s exhausting, the A-Game. Keeping it going. And then, later, if you do end up in your sweatpants, your new partner can start to wonder where and why the ‘old you’ went. Whereas, starting with popcorn, once you build to a decent plate of prepped food, they then think ‘ah, this is great, I am special to her’.

‘What the hell does this have to do with work Stevie?’
We could chat at length about your authentic self and the world having changed, why wear a suit to an interview if you'd usually be in a hoodie. But I want to focus on the skills, not the aesthetic, today.
Bringing your A-Game, for me, is a bit of a blag. For anyone out there inclined to say 'you should bring your A-Game and sustain it every minute of your working life', I want what you're taking. Because that's just not workable or healthy. Of course, at an interview, you're going to want to shine, but that doesn't mean overpromising. A-Gaming is overpromising, therefore, a blag.
I had a chat with a lovely connection of mine and she impressed me so much. She’d been offered an interview for a role. Much of what was in the remit, she could do. And she had a certificate to say she could do the rest, she’d just never had chance to put it into practice.
Years ago, this is something I would have absolutely blagged, and advised her to do the same. Thank you, Mr Branson for ‘If somebody offers you an amazing opportunity but you are not sure you can do it, say yes – then learn how to do it later!’.
In my twenties, I had some awful trouble after I'd I said ‘yes, of course I can do that/be that/handle that’ then exhausted myself keeping up the facade. I’ve also enjoyed some great opportunities by blagging my way into situations and working very hard on covering my tracks later, with great success.
Working in theatre I was once asked ‘can you work a follow spotlight?’ They didn’t ask ‘have you ever...’ so I said yes, then set about secretly calling anyone I knew to help me learn before the following night’s show. It led to more and more work and learning new skills.
In the case of my friend’s situation, she very bravely decided to tell them she had never done a big chunk of the job, even though she was trained, but that she was resourceful and agile enough to make up for that.
She got the job.
I guess they loved her honesty, but her reasoning was outstandingly mature; “Stevie, I don’t want to blag it then spend the next few weeks sh*tting myself and trying to maintain that bravado”.
She didn’t want to have to get overwhelmingly exhausted keeping up the pretence.
So, where do I stand on blagging? As a woman, I am far less likely to even apply for a job if I don’t have all the skills requested*, but if we can get beyond that, I think Branson’s advice is sound depending on the situation.
There’s so much nuance and context, though I think my current stance is:
short term project - you can be an agile learner. Blag it a bit and learn fast, make sure you have resourceful tools and a strong network to help you
long term role - Your role will be broader, so you won’t have much time to back up your blag (learn stuff fast). Don’t burden yourself with very little way out of it later
For the avoidance of doubt, never, ever blag the recognised certification stuff; doctor, financial adviser, pilot….you get the idea
Conversely, I think my friend did, actually bring her A-Game. She was honest, she focussed on the skills she does have and didn't overpromise. So perhaps a redefinition of 'A-Game' is what's in order?
As for dating? Well, I gave Argov’s theory a go and I’m happy to say it only bloody worked! My current partner ‘fell’ for me when I was hungover, hangry and didn’t care whether he liked me or not. Six years in, he seems to be sticking around, having moved countries, bought a house and adopted a high maintenance cat together. My A-Game does appear, as does his, when we hit a crisis or just to startle each other from time to time, and this helps us grow together.
It gets better and better.
Anyway, the dating memoirs book is in progress, watch this space. (The names have been changed to protect myself).
*This stat is everywhere, but I like this Harvard Business Review article: men apply when they have 60% of the requisite skills, women only apply if they tick 100% of the boxes
Book Reference: Sherry Argov - ‘Why Men Love Bitches, From Doormat to Dreamgirl, a Woman’s Guide to Holding Her Own in a Relationship’
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